The Biotchitudes, a Series of Cursings

Today in church we learned about the beatitudes...a series of blessings given by Christ in the Bible to those people whose demeanor or spirit or actions or whatever lead would them to a specific blessing, most often in the afterlife. These beatitudes seemed to contrast directly with another set of behaviors and, consequently, curses that I dreamed up over the weekend. I call them the Biotchitudes.

The Biotchitudes are a series of cursings that follow the behavior of nasty skank hos and bros that surrounded us at the beach on Saturday. The Biotchitudes are as follows:

The poor in driving skills and cutting me off; theirs is worthy of my middle fingers.
The severely drunk; they will be smitten with pukage all the nights of their days.
They that talk about oral sex in front of my one year old; they will have their genitalia destroyed by my hands.
Those whose voices penetrate my ears while I'm napping; theirs is a swift kick to the jimmy.
Those whose Frisbees nearly smack my kid in the head or my tender shoulder; they will get pantsed.


The make-outers; they will lick fecal matter.
Wearers of skimpy suits that don't cover their fat rolls; their eyes will be molested like mine have.
The users of the f word as noun, verb, adjective and past participle in one sentence; they will inherit a fart in their mouth.
The packs of 19 year olds; they will obtain an STD for their existence on my beach.

I hope you never find yourself a receiver of the Biotchitudes curses. If you do, you need to not be so lame...or find another beach.