Candy Land is Satan's Game

The other night we were babysitting some kids and they were just precious little gems. No malice, no bickering, no crybabyisms. Just pure-gold children - age 5 and 3 I believe. As we were hanging out, the kids decided to bust out Candy Land. It was then I learned a valuable lesson:

CANDY LAND IS SATAN'S GAME

Think about it. This game has always been billed as "A Child's First Game." In what freaking way is Candy Land even remotely a good game for children? The rules are not that complicated, I will give you that. But It has a ton of pieces to lose and many cards to bend and rip. The board is ridden with colors and curves and images that make it confusing and sloppy. Additionally, the game revolves around punishment and broken dreams. Every time a child thinks they have done well, they are punished and sent backwards by some crappy card - hurting feelings and teaching the child that, "Hey, you SUCK"...even if it is a game of chance.

But worst of all - the game's sole purpose is to teach children to cheat. What child does not cheat at this game? I mean, why wouldn't you? Since Candy Land makes you a slave to luck and disappointment, you'll do anything to avoid a setback. The only way to do that is to cheat. No manner of skill can help you...just cheating. So all kids do it...whether its making someone turn their head so they can stack the cards or just making up new rules that protect only them from disaster.

Seriously - what kind of hellish game is this??? It will not be in my home.